Autonomy is one of those words that sounds simple, but gets more complicated the moment you try to live it.
Because it’s one thing to say, “I want to live on my terms.” It’s another to actually do it especially if you’ve been taught that choosing your own path makes you difficult, selfish, or too much. That’s when I started understanding how to find yourself isn’t a one-time event - it’s an ongoing decision to honour your truth.
And that’s where wildflowers come in.
Over the past several months, I’ve found myself painting them again and again. Not just for their beauty, but for what they represent - resilience, freedom, individuality. A way of growing that feels true, even when it’s unexpected. And the more I painted them, the more I realised: this is the kind of life I want to live. Rooted. Self-led. Fully in bloom, without needing permission.
Why Wildflowers?
Wildflowers don’t wait for perfect conditions. They grow in cracks, in forgotten places, on the edge of the path. They don’t need a curated garden to thrive. They just need space and their own rhythm.
In Unearthed, I painted chamomile growing through the cracks. Chamomile is often seen as delicate, yet it finds a way to survive in places it was never meant to grow. That felt like a symbol and a visual reminder for the kind of strength that isn't obvious but still very real.
Then came several small studies, the most recent being of cow parsley. It grows everywhere here - untamed, overlooked, often dismissed as ‘just a weed.’ But look closely and you’ll see tiny starbursts of white making up each cluster, defiant in their beauty.
That’s how autonomy feels to me now. Not a break from the world, but a decision to belong to yourself first.
Why Autonomy Can Feel Uncomfortable (Even When You Want It)
Wanting to live in alignment doesn’t mean it’s easy. Especially if you’ve spent years being shaped by systems that reward compliance over self-trust.
Here’s why autonomy can bring discomfort even when it’s what you want:
1. Cultural or Familial Conditioning
If you were raised in an environment that prioritised obedience or people-pleasing over healthy disagreement, autonomy might feel like rebellion. Setting a boundary can feel like a confrontation. Saying “no” might bring up guilt, even when it’s necessary.
2. Fear of Abandonment
If you grew up learning that love depended on being agreeable or easy to manage, then having your own opinions might feel risky. You might find yourself thinking: What if they pull away? What if I lose people for just being honest? Even when nothing’s gone wrong, that fear can sit deep in the body.
3. Projection
Sometimes, your choices challenge people who haven’t made peace with their own. They might project judgement or discomfort onto you. Not because of what you’ve done, but because of what you represent. Autonomy becomes a mirror, and not everyone is ready to look into it.
These reactions don’t mean you’ve made the wrong choice. They mean you’re stepping outside an old pattern. And patterns don’t like to be disrupted.
What Autonomy Looks Like
This will look different to everyone.
Over the years, I’ve come to recognise some signs that I’m living from a place of autonomy, not obligation.
Here’s what that’s looked like in my life:
- I began seeing authority differently. I used to believe that if someone had a title, experience, or spoke with confidence, they must be right. I’d second-guess myself around them, even when my gut felt off. I thought I was being respectful but really, I’d just never learned how to trust my own judgement. Now I ask more questions. I trust my gut. I look at who benefits from the narrative and decide if I want to keep living by it.
- I questioned old norms. Not to rebel, but to ask: does this still fit me? One example was stopping drinking. Not because I had to, but because it didn’t feel like me. I worried I’d lose connection and some friendships did shift. But I gained clarity and so much more fullness to my life. And I found other wildflowers - people who saw the real me and wanted to connect on a different level.
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I let go of needing to explain myself.
I used to over-explain my boundaries so no one would be upset. Now I understand that clarity doesn’t require apology. The urge to overjustify fades when you know your ‘why.’
These are not grand gestures. But they change everything.
The Psychology Behind It
This kind of self-led living is linked to self-actualisation which is the process of becoming who you truly are beneath the layers of conditioning, survival patterns and roles you were taught to perform.
Self-determination theory tells us that autonomy is one of our three core needs (alongside competence and connection). When that need is unmet, such as when you’re constantly overriding your truth to be accepted, you begin to disconnect from yourself. That’s when burnout, resentment and identity confusion creep in.
Autonomy isn’t about detachment from others. It’s about coming home to yourself. And building a life that reflects who you actually are, not just who you’ve been expected to be.
What to Expect When You Live Differently
Living in alignment can feel lonely at first. Not because you’re doing it wrong but because many systems rely on you not questioning them.
From my experience, expect:
- Some discomfort. From others and sometimes within yourself. That’s okay. You’re recalibrating.
- Clarity over time. Every time you speak up instead of going along with something that feels wrong (even if your voice shakes) it builds a little foundation. And the next time, it doesn’t feel quite so hard. You stop performing and start showing up as yourself.
- New connections. Autonomy doesn’t mean walking alone. It means walking with integrity. And when you do that, you start to meet others who are doing the same.
How to Find Yourself (Without Burning Bridges)
Here’s what I’ve learnt and continue to practise:
1. Start with self-awareness
You can’t honour your values if you don’t know what they are. Make space to reflect. Ask yourself what feels aligned and what feels performative.
2. Say no without guilt
Protecting your energy isn’t rude. It’s responsible. “No” isn’t a rejection. It’s a boundary.
3. Let others feel what they feel
You are not in charge of managing other people’s discomfort. You can be kind and firm. But you don’t have to contort yourself to keep the peace.
4. Respect difference without shrinking
Autonomy means being able to hold your truth and still respect someone else’s. You don’t need to agree to stay connected. In fact, some of the most important discoveries in science, art, even relationships come from disagreement. What’s the point of being all the same?
5. Look for your wildflowers
When you live from a place of honesty, you begin to meet others who are doing the same. You stop connecting through roles, expectations or shared masks. There’s no pressure to impress or match each other’s scripts. Just shared respect, even if your lives look completely different. That changes everything.
If you’re curious about your own story and what’s shaping your growth, you can take my Story Archetype Quiz.
Art as a Reflection of Autonomy
Art has always helped me say what I couldn’t yet explain.
In Still, She Grew, I painted a woman who stopped shrinking. Not because it was easy, but because pretending is no longer an option.
In Growing Into Light, I painted the expansion that comes when you let go of what no longer fits and make space for what does.
These pieces are personal but they’re also shared experiences. So many women I know are walking this same path. Questioning. Reclaiming. Growing.
Bravely. Clearly. Like wildflowers.
Final Thoughts
Autonomy isn’t about walking away from people. It’s about walking toward yourself.
It’s the decision to live from the inside out.
To question what no longer fits.
To say no, even when it would be easier to say yes.
To grow, even when it’s uncomfortable.
You don’t need to be louder, softer or more agreeable.
You don’t need to fit into someone else’s version of who you should be.
You just need to keep growing, like wildflowers do.
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