1. If you feel tired, it’s probably not just the pace - it’s the weight
If you’ve ever wondered why you feel so drained even when things look fine on paper, you’re not alone. It’s not that you’re doing too little or lacking ambition. It’s that you’ve been carrying too much that was never truly yours.
We live in a culture of performance. From work reports to holiday posts - everything is measured. How productive you are, how well you hold it all together, how pleasing you are to others. I’ve felt it too. That quiet pressure to be palatable, to be impressive but not intimidating, likeable but not too loud.
It makes people shrink themselves just to stay accepted. Be kind, but not passive. Driven, but not selfish. Present, but always productive.
And now with social media, it’s even harder not to perform. Everyone’s curating, polishing, proving. Even your quiet moments have to look aesthetic. Rest becomes another thing to showcase, not something to actually feel. It’s no wonder so many of us feel like we’re performing 24/7, and somewhere in that performance, we start to forget who we actually are. That’s what happens when we live for approval instead of alignment.
2. The roles we learn to play
From an early age, we’re taught what’s expected.
“Children should be seen and not heard.” Honestly, I think that's one of the worst things we can teach children. It doesn't just silence them in the moment. It teaches them that their presence is too much and their voice is inconvenient. No wonder so many of us grew up unsure whether it was even okay to take up space, and believing that the only way to belong is to blend in.
“Don’t make a scene.” “Be good.” These messages might seem harmless at first, but they shape how we see ourselves and what we think we need to be in order to belong.
I know this because I lived it too. I grew up in a culture where girls were treated differently to boys. Where speaking up wasn’t encouraged, like kids have nothing valuable to add. Where value was placed on how well you could behave, perform or keep others happy. Everything was about how it looked from the outside, not whether it felt safe or healthy on the inside. I carried that with me for years, changing how I spoke, what I wore, what I said yes to - just to be liked and accepted. Just to be enough.
For a while, it worked. I was praised. Accepted. But underneath, I felt hollow. I realised I was always waiting for permission - from my family, from society, from anyone - to just be myself. And the truth is, that permission never came. I had to give it to myself.
3. Why people pleasing leaves us empty
It's easy to call it people pleasing, but for many of us, it was survival. Psychologists describe people pleasing as a behaviour rooted in fear of rejection or conflict. It often starts as a survival strategy, especially in childhood environments where love or acceptance felt conditional.
This is often referred to as the fawn response - a trauma response where someone learns to appease others to avoid conflict or gain safety. Not everyone has heard of this, but many have lived it. It might look like agreeing to things you don’t want, avoiding your own needs or saying yes out of guilt rather than desire.
Studies show that chronic people pleasing is linked to anxiety, burnout and identity confusion. You might say yes when you mean no. You might over-apologise. You might feel responsible for other people’s emotions. And slowly, you forget what your own voice even sounds like. You become what others want, but lose sight of who you are.
4. The Identity Crisis Behind Burnout
We talk about burnout, but not often about why it happens. It’s not just the workload, it’s the emotional effort of performing a role that doesn’t fit anymore.
There's even a name for it: role conflict - the idea that when we’re expected to occupy multiple conflicting roles, it causes stress, disconnection, and internal pressure. And today, many of us are juggling roles that pull us in opposite directions. It’s not just being busy, it’s being torn.
Traditionally, gender roles were fixed. And while that came with its own problems, at least the script was clear.
Now the expectations are endless. Be maternal, successful, attractive, emotionally available, healthy, social, selfless, empowered and rested - all at once. No wonder so many of us feel we’re constantly falling short.
This isn’t just a women’s issue, but it shows up more intensely in people who’ve been socialised to prioritise harmony over honesty. Gender norms still encourage women to be self-sacrificing, agreeable and emotionally available, which makes it harder to set boundaries or say no without guilt.
A UK study found that women are twice as likely as men to report feeling overwhelmed by emotional labour - the invisible mental and emotional effort of keeping everything running smoothly at home and work.
These roles might look different now, but the emotional cost is still very real. And most people going through this don’t have a name for it. They just feel stuck. Or tired. Or lost. But they’re not broken, they’re awakening.
5. Why Shedding Expectations Is the Start of Real Self-Respect
Letting go of old roles doesn’t mean you’re giving up. It means you’re clearing space for your actual self to come through.
It’s not always graceful. At first it might feel like failure. Like selfishness. Like grief. But it’s growth.
When I first started rejecting some of that conditioning, I felt exposed. I remember all the sleepless nights I'd spend worrying whether I had said too much - I was so unused to speaking my truth. Some people said I was going through a weird moment, others called me selfish. But really, I had just stopped following the script and over-giving and they weren’t used to that. I had taught them to expect a certain version of me. And when I changed, their discomfort spoke louder than their words. But for once, I wasn’t. I began to respect myself again, piece by piece. And what a journey it has been since.
When we start to drop the stories that no longer serve us, we begin to reconnect - not only with ourselves, but with others. We stop performing and start relating. And that shift changes everything: our relationships, our health, our work and our creativity.
There’s research showing that when people experience an identity shift, for example, from external validation to internal self-worth, it activates different neural pathways and increases long-term wellbeing. In other words, this isn’t a fluffy self-help moment. It’s a serious turning point.
6. How Reclaiming Yourself Changes Everything
When you let go of roles that aren’t truly yours, you don’t just change your own life, you influence others too.
You raise your kids differently. You create differently. You show up in relationships with more honesty and depth. You model self-respect, which often gives others silent permission to do the same.
I felt like I had to be the perfect mum and get everything right, which caused an insane amount of guilt and I always felt not good enough. But once I started to set my boundaries and stopped trying to be great at everything, I actually noticed my kids respecting me more, listening to me, appreciating the special time we would spend together. I started to say no, and my kids learnt to say no too. I let them be loud and joyful and expressive, even when it's very frowned upon. Not blindly follow expectations (of course some rules are still set and a no brainer). Because someone's judgement no longer defines my worth, not like it used to.
And if you’re a creative, like me, you might notice your work shifts too. It becomes more real. More necessary. Because now, it’s coming from truth, not performance. It’s no longer about earning validation. It’s about connection and expressing something that matters.
In fact, some of my recent pieces - like Still She Grew, Unbecoming and Reclaiming Her Voice - were created during this shift. They reflect exactly what I’m describing: that moment where you stop performing and start expressing from a truer place.
7. What to Do If You’re Tired of Performing
If you’re questioning old roles or values, you’re not falling behind. You’re waking up. And it’s one of the most powerful things you can do.
So if I were to summarise the key things I've learnt about shedding expectations, it would be this:
- Start learning about yourself, in whatever way feels right. That might mean reflection, journalling, exploring tools like tests and quizzes that help you understand yourself or just pausing long enough to ask yourself honest questions without rushing to find an answer.
- Then, give yourself permission to say no. As many times as you need. No explanations, no guilt, just a 'no' when something doesn’t feel right. That’s not being rude, that’s being responsible for your own wellbeing. Every time you say no to what drains you, you’re saying yes to what grounds you.
- And the hardest one? Let yourself be human. Not perfect. Not constantly productive. Just human. It means speaking to yourself kindly, even when you mess up. It means not turning every rough day into a reason to punish yourself. I’ve had to remind myself of this constantly. I still do.
Pro tip: If someone asks you to do something in the future, ask yourself - would I be happy to do it today or tomorrow?
If the answer is no, don’t commit. Future You doesn’t have more energy or fewer needs than Present You.
There is no one right way to live a grounded, meaningful life. I think of myself as a work in progress, just like art. Always learning, always improving. Never a finished piece - what would be the fun in that?
If this resonates with you, you can also explore my artwork, which often tells the same stories in visual form - about identity, self-trust and becoming who we were always meant to be.
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